For ten months (but actually much longer) I was pretending to be a different person than I really am, but now I’m going home before I can do any real damage to my self
/for ten months but actually much longer I was pretending that I could will myself into wanting things other than what I actually want
/it’s very weird, emerging from like the specific strains of ~radical theory that I spent my early 20s wading through, to find that I have a self that just keeps pushing back against the ways I try to Construct A Self
/you know like aesthetics you know like performance you know like performativity you know like it’s all whatever, except that
/in my own bad brain it keeps turning into this much worse thing, where if we’re performing selves then there is no excuse not to perform the best correct self
/and so it just goes and goes, unlearning the stuff you’ve learned so that you can learn ~critical ~theory then unlearning the theory so that you can like live your dumb life and be extraordinarily touched by some like basic shit about having a true self
/like “learning who one really is and whom one needs to be with in order to fully realize that”
/like “the arc of the comedy”!
always and forever, doskapozora says it right.